We go on hundreds of calls a year and most of the time we run the call, deal with the situation and then move on but every once in a while something about a call really sticks with you. This past week I had my first call that really got to me.
Over the past 5 years I have been on plenty of codes and dealt with many situations that most people would find down right disturbing. While these calls were not easy to stomach none of the really stuck with me. There were several factors in this recent call that really made it hard to stomach. I think where I am in my life personally also played a factor in how this call impacted me as well. We handled the call professionally and from a operational level the call ran very well. All parties involved did what they needed to do and we held back the emotion in order to function and do what was best for the patient. The situation that we dealt with is not one that I would wish upon anyone. I think there are just things or situations that people should never have to be witness to and this is certainly one of those situations. Once the call was over and we had time to reflect on what had happen is when the emotion came pouring in. It seems like the emotions I felt hit the entire spectrum. There was anger, sadness, fear, and frustration. After a while, most of the emotions subsided and I was able to move on but there certainly was a bit of a hang over or numbness after the call. It was hard to return to the station and know that I still had 18 hours left in my shift. As the day went on, the emotions got better and I felt like I was getting back to normal. The rest of the shift came and went like most days do. I had some trouble sleeping at first because visions of the call kept filling my mind but eventually tiredness won out and I drifted off to sleep. The thing that I was most surprised about was how I felt when I got home. When I saw my wife, the emotions came flooding back and I found myself dealing with them all over again. I certainly was not prepared for that at all. Its now a few days post incident and some of the feelings are still there but the wounds don't feel as fresh. In my mind though this is where the important work of coping really becomes a key. Now that the initial pain and emotions have subsided, how am I going to move forward?
Many of us in the fire service like to put on that macho bravado and really give the appearance that we have ice running through our veins and are impervious to emotion. There are some of us that really don't seem to be impacted by the calls we run but the majority of us don't fall into that category. Most of us have a dark sense of humor and we joke with one another in a way that most people outside the fire service don't understand. A lot of what we say to each other behind closed doors would appear mean and heartless to the outside world but for many of us its just how we cope. We use insults and jokes as a thin veil for us to expel those negative emotions that get stirred up by an unsettling call. Does it help, sure it does but it probably isn't the healthiest way to deal with things.
There was a time in this industry that the mention of a critical incident stress debriefing or speaking with a counselor would be seen as weak and unacceptable. It seems as though the culture is beginning to shift a little bit though. CISD and peer counseling are becoming more prevalent. People are realizing that it is far healthier to talk through and address the feelings as opposed to just bottling them up and trying to hide from them. We have so many more options available to us these days it is foolish not to take advantage of them. Resources range from coworkers to supervisors to chaplains to counsellors. I think it is really important for us to be proactive and work to resolve these issues as opposed to avoiding them. Post traumatic stress is not just happening to soldiers coming back from war. It is happening to our police officers and firefighters from exposure to some of the calls they go on throughout the course of their careers. You shouldn't feel ashamed if you utilize one of these avenues to deal with the emotions. If your arm was broken you would go to the doctor and get a cast. If you are emotionally broken you seek treatment as well. It doesn't mean your weak, it just means you want to deal with the emotions so that they don't come flooding back in the middle of a call. There is no shame in that.
I am a very big proponent in CISD and peer counseling within the department. It is an area that I have been trying to get further training so that I can be a resource to my co-workers. It is certainly not healthy to just try and suppress all of the emotions you have inside, you need to take action to deal with these feelings. Most employers have EAPs (employee assistance program) that you can utilize. If your employer doesn't, seek out a co-worker or a supervisor you trust and utilize them. Just as it is important that we take care of ourselves physically, it is equally important that we take care of ourselves emotionally. It just isn't healthy to go through life avoiding emotional trauma. I hope that in the future if you run a call that impacts you that you seek help to deal with these emotions.
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